What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize