Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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