you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
