I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
