My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
