im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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