Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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