I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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