I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Randomize
