there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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