Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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