I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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