He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
