you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
