Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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