so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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