So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
