he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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