I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
