I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
this is an emotional support booty call
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
