i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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