there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
