I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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