I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
