dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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