So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I will die if light touches me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
