I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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