I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
