Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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