Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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