areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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