I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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