When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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