I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
