I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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