I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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