This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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