if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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