I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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