There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
