I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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