Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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