my phone needs a breathalizer
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
