You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
