You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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