I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
