New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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