i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
