Hey man sorry I got all grabby
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
