yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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