In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize