I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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