Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
