Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
