Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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