Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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