So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
