these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
