Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
