Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
