god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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