They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to calm my uterus...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
