i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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