this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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