p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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