the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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