I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
