Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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